“Pay attention to who you are around when you feel your best. Be with them more often.”

Alone

My friends became my competition at the beginning of 3rd year.

“Oh man, that’s amazeballs, brilliant…well done.”

A pal had just been given a role in a new tv show and was leaving to film for many months.

I smiled, clenching my teeth.

“…well done you.”

I kept my eyes on the stairs as i walked up to the exit. Found a wall to sit on.

Being given a job early was coveted.

Most of the celebrity alumni who had been brought back to share their wisdom, talked of how they left to work before the end of 3rd year.

I watched as the actors I admired in the years above were plucked away early. Happening only to a select few.

I saw how those few were treated by their friends and our teachers, on their return home. Heroes back from the front lines. Eating cans of tuna and an apple to lose weight for their new roles. Living the fucking dream.

Early Success = Success = Early Success = Success.

I looked down at my feet.

What does this mean for me?

I have never felt more alone than I did during that final year of drama school.

I look back on it as a second puberty:

I felt

• envious
• confused
• uncertain
• insecure
• entitled
• angry
• afraid
• ashamed
• anxious
• disgusting
• toxic

And to top this all off, I had what many did not.

I had an agent.

And so, I told myself, I had no right to feel any of these things. I was an ingrate too.

I should have felt confident, assured and at ease. Happy.

Why the shit didn’t I feel happy for my friends.

Before this point they were my second family.

1st year memories of pretending to be dinosaurs with each other, dancing, laughing.

Now I wanted to fucking kill them.

Them or me.

Them.

Scarcity

• There are only a few good roles to go around
• There are only a few good agents
• There are only a few good opportunities.
• Only a few good people can win the race.
• If someone else wins, it’s less likely to be you.

They tell us that to meditate on this is heresy.

That we are not in a competition.

But very quickly we see that our choices are to be chosen, to win or unemployment aka how do i fucking survive this?

Which is why when you scroll across your friend (seemingly) living their dream at the premiere for their new film it sends you spiralling into the abyss at 3.32pm on a Tuesday afternoon.

​There are 51,299 other actors vying for 1000 roles. And you’ve just seen 2 who have won a golden ticket.

How’s your subconscious feeling about your 1/153 chance?

Alone again

I looked up

I knew what i needed to do

I was going to work harder than everyone else

I was going to do everything in my power to get rid of the pain i felt sitting on that wall

the fear, the anxiety, the envy, the worry, the insecurity, the doubt.

The inadequacy.

I was going to shut out everything that was unimportant.

And I was going to win.

Well of course, I was completely wrong.

I see that now.

I did shut everything out.

I did work harder than I had ever done before.

And I did leave early.

But I did not get rid of the pain.

The pain remained.

And it got worse.

I would still find myself spiralling at 3.34pm on a Tuesday afternoon, but now also Wednesday 7.42am, thursday at lunch, and Friday sweating at 3am (these were the worst).

“What does this mean for me?”

For 5 years I used the same tactics over and over again, thinking I just needed to work harder and do better.

Then something special happened.

One of my best mates called me and asked if I could help out as a supporting artist on the show he’d written.

“Of course, dude”

I looked out the car window and smiled.

Who cares that there are no lines. When I am around my mate i feel my best.

And would you know it, that job was one of the most rewarding jobs I have ever done.

I was able to work with my friend, on a project that I had literally witnessed him pour his blood into (he used a bit of his own blood to write the 2nd draft)(that’s not true).

I was able to work with my friend on a project that meant something.

The same thing happened again a few years later when I worked with one of my oldest and best friends on a play.

I’ve found myself in different countries sitting next to my friends at readthroughs.

Working with my two selftape buddies changed selftaping for me

And then the short film I made with my brother.

Put me onto the road I’m on now.

When I realised the common denominator:

I was back in 1st year pretending to be dinosaurs with my friends, laughing, dancing.

The nonsense that had plagued my mind had been dispelled.

I didn’t care that x was doing y job, because ultimately I was back where I wanted to be. With my friends, doing the work that I cared about.

And now I’m here.

Writing this.

Pretending to be a dinosaur with you.

You have made me feel less alone.

Thank you.

For You

If you are feeling alone atm, or unfulfilled with the industry, or you have a moment where you spiral this week – do 2 things:

1. Make a list of everyone who you feel your best around, or who believes in you, or who loves your work, or who you feel incredibly comfortable to speak your mind, or who you love their work, or who you used to enjoy mucking around with and haven’t done it for years.
2. Ask them if they’d like to make some work with you. It doesn’t have to be life changing work – the work is not the point yet. But to ask is to say, I want to make things with you again. And that is the work I am determined to make.

A Reader Win

A couple weeks ago Paul got back in his soundbooth, after spending 8 months doing behind-the-scenes work in film and tv and shot off a few audiobook auditions. He got a reply back from an author who said his audition was one of his favourites following up with a question about Paul’s fees.

Now, that first bite is fucking awesome and, getting one after so few auditions back is a testament to his hard work setting up his booth last May.

Whatever the outcome with that audition, Paul should be incredibly proud of everything he’s done to get to this point.

His plan for the next few months: Book his first Audiobook.

Rock on dude.

Money Tip

“How shall we split this…?”

I have no idea what i did before Splitwise, but i assume I operated on a wing and a prayer.

We’ve been using it to split our expenses for almost 6 years now.

Use if you: find “you owe me” conversations with your housemates, partner, entire table at a restaurant, people you go on holiday with, loan sharks very awkward.

We all should talk more openly about money, but for now…

i am not sponsored by these guys, and I only use their free plan, because why pay for stuff when you can get that same stuff for free.

Speaking of which

Free Franco Manca Pizza

£1 per KM

​Run your way to a free pizza.​

But don’t forget to make your run a pizza. ⬆

And if you pizza your run, i’d love to see your run pizza (reply to this pizza with your run)

(you can also “walk, skate, wheel…any mode of movement!” according to their website – just make sure you log it and it looks relatively like a pizza)

Ends 31st Jan.

​

Pizza’s my favourite food.

What I watched:

I saw Avatar twice this week. Once in my local cinema. Once in the Imax.

Pandora James Horner PREVIEW   ​

Let me tell you, the Imax costs the same as a seat in the gods at the theatre, but my f*ck me is it something special.

There’s really nothing quite like it.

If you can get to the BFI IMAX this year then do it.

Do it for this:

​

Spielberg’s new alien film looks cool too.

I love trailers.

Almost as much as I love pizza.

This is going to be a great year for movies in the cinema.

If you have any thoughts or ideas that have come up from this week’s newsletter – reply to this email. I’ll write back asap. x

Grab hold of your muses, the people who inspire you, your friends, your collaborators, the ones who you spend time with and look up at the clock and think what the hell? how long have I been here?

Because those are who make our work worth it.

They are who make us feel less alone.

​

I hope you have a great week.

A x

​

P.s. make listing them out a goal for today. It’s really as easy as that.