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First day on set and i’m sitting in the back of a minivan looking at my hand.

“Alex…? you alright mate?”

I look up

it’s Noah the 3rd AD

“It’s just, they need you on set for a camera rehearsal”

I look around. Everyone else has left the bus.

I stare back at my hand

it’s trembling.

I’m afraid the director is going to think he’s made a terrible mistake

I’m afraid my costars are going to think i’m a fucking asshole

I’m afraid i’m going to be fired as soon as I open my mouth

I’m afraid people will see the truth, that i’m pretending

I’m afraid when they watch this, people will hate me

I’m afraid the director will say “i don’t believe you”

I’m afraid of what everyone else on set is thinking

I’m afraid i’m doing something funny with my lips

I’m afraid my agents will watch this and drop me

I’m afraid casting will see this and blacklist me

I’m afraid i’m going to say the wrong words

I’m afraid i won’t be able to “sell” the lines

I’m afraid I’m going to be the thing I hate

I’m afraid i’m not going to be convincing

I step into the green room.

The other actors are being mic’d up

I sit on a chair in the corner of the room.

Mumbling the words to make sure they’re there

My American accent slips.

I close my eyes.

Isla from sound comes over and starts to mic me up.

The other actors are talking animatedly about LA.

They are all American natives.

I’m the Brit

doing an accent.

I start mumbling again.

“Right guys, we’re going to step you on to shoot”

I look at my hand.

Tremble tremble barry wendell.

I’m afraid they’ll see my hair’s thinning

I’m afraid they’ll realise i’m the type of man that cares that my hair’s thinning

I’m afraid I haven’t prepped enough

I’m afraid I’ve prepped too much

I’m afraid I haven’t done the right kind of prep

I’m afraid I’m going to forget my lines

I’m afraid the accent will give me away

I’m afraid I’m going to be too wooden

I’m afraid i’m going to push for emotion

I’m afraid my eyebrows are going to go nuts

I’m afraid I’m going to be too big

I’m afraid i’m going to look bad

I’m afraid I’ll never work again

I’m afraid i’m too energetic

I’m afraid i’m too tired

I’m afraid i’m a fraud

I’m afraid all this

all these fears

mean something

I’m afraid they point to an absolute certain truth:

That I am unsuitable, unusable and unworthy of this work.

This work that is a privilege.

I have the audacity to turn up and fear it.

I am not fit for purpose.

I should quit and let someone who has less fear do the job

Someone deserving.

God knows there are enough of them out there.

My heroes didn’t get scared when they were coming up.

Carey.

Rickman.

I’m certain they didn’t go through this.

I remember a conversation I had, in a make up chair, with a very experienced, very famous actor.

“I get nervous every. single. day. – it never leaves dude. It never leaves.”

And I realise I’ve been here before.

In fact, I have been here every single first day on set.

On every job.

I have contained fear.

It’s probably the only thing that has been consistent.

An experienced actor’s honesty with that nervy boy in the chair that day helped me see that even those we think have no reason to fear have fear.

And it will never leave.

To try to minimise or destroy fear is a fool’s errand.

Fear is part of the job. It is the job.

To stand next to it. And get on with the work.

The work you care about.

Sitting back in the bus

The Americans are talking animatedly about the scene.

I look down at my hand

and smile.

Know an actor who wants to see the industry change, who loves to make things and wants to make more?

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Have a great fkn week.

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A x

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p.s. Come have a drink and a night of film – next Tuesday 31st March we’re screening 3 independent short films alongside some QndA’s and chats about making films. Just by Tottenham Court Road station. RSVP for a ticket (free)

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p.p.s. I’m running a workshop in April for actors who want to get into audiobook narration. 3/5 spots left, four weeks, you finish with your home booth set up, your first audition submitted, and a sample to send around. Reply to this email if you want more details.

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p.p.p.s. also, if you’re clicky and you know it…👇